I completely forgot that women have a bad reputation for not supporting each other.  Isn’t that funny how our mind works? 

But the other day a woman’s comment reminded me of how bad some girls can get.  I was at a networking event and these women were commenting on how great it is when women support each other and how powerful that movement can be.  And then one woman commented how much she hates it when women are vicious behind other women’s backs.

I have to say, that comment shocked me.  I am fortunate that I have learned to surround myself with only supportive women.  Not only is that true through my work as a Ladies Who Launch leader but I also feel this way about the friends that I made when I was working in corporate America as well as the friends that I have made living a life with kids. 

Some of this is due to my own manifestation but probably a lot of this is due to me following my instincts and just being me.  If no one likes me at face-value, then our friendship was not meant to be.

So not letting this comment quiet down in my head, I could not help but ask the question, ‘Why are there women who are, well, let’s just say, less than supportive?”  And I think I know the answer.

It is so much easier to be supportive when you are happy.  You’re feeling good about yourself and you want to spread the cheer.  On the flip side, when you are unhappy and filled with negativity, you can resent others and this can play out through gossip and back-stabbing behaviour.

So I have a solution: all women who find themsleves unhappy, go launch something.  Start a project, launch a business or pick up a hobby.  Start something from nothing.  And I guarantee, you will have more self-esteem, feel better about yourself and find yourself supporting other females.

It is scary launching a business, whether you’ve been in business for years or are just starting out.  But don’t let fear stop you from moving forward.  Just remember, if it were easy, then either you or someone else would have already done it.

And don’t fool yourself.  Fear comes in a number of disguises, mostly unveiling itself as a reasonable excuse.  If you ask any successful entrepreneur if they’ve ever felt fear, they would give you a resounding ‘YES’, and they would go on to explain that they had no other choice but to push through it and develop a strategic course of action. 

As women, our list of excuses can be endless and totally acceptable…. husband, kids, work, etc.  But don’t let the face value of the excuse convince you that your actions are justified.  Analyze your excuses, and be honest with yourself regarding whether or not the excuses are real or if it is fear that is stopping you from moving forward.  Only you can truly answer that question.

Now why didn’t these entrepreneurs have a choice but to push through their fear?  Because of their passion and drive.  No one was forcing them to take action.  And fortunate for us ladies, women are innately passionate creatures.  In fact, the number one reason for why women start businesses is to follow their creativity and pursue their passion.

Another top reason for why women go out on their own is for freedom and flexibility.  We are multi-taskers, we prefer to take on a lot.  And it stands to reason that we are happiest when we are intertwining our launching efforts with our life because we need that flexibility to address all the important elements of our life on a consistent basis.

So do yourself a favor and if you have a need to launch but ‘life is too busy’, just ask yourself how strong your desire is, and you will then know your answer.  After that, remember the wise words of Eleanor Roosevelt when she said, “Do something every day that scares you”.

This post is not about what you think it is.  By now, I am assuming that you know how to pick your friends and how to limit your time with those who suck all your energy.  What I want to talk about is how it is important to make sure you consistently surround yourself with the various types of friends that you have.

Because women are so busy and seldom have time to spend with friends, when we do take the time for ourselves, we of course go to the friends that we are most comfortable with and are easy to tap, especially those that are geographically close to us since we are social animals and love face to face interaction.

However, what I discovered, or should I say, was reminded of at my Ladies Who Launch Leader training was the importance of surrounding yourself with friends that address all the critical energies within you.  Let me explain.

I have great friends who I spend time with.  All of them are moms who are fun, intelligent and generous in spirit.  But most of them are not entrepreneurs. But that’s okay because I am fortunate enough to lead Ladies Who Launch Incubators in Cleveland, and through these Incubators, I am surrounded by those who are passionate about their business and are entrepreneurial in spirit.  But what I realized at training this week is the fact that I have been ignoring my fellow Ladies Who Launch leaders.

Now this was not by design but just a result of my limited time resource.  Regardless, it is unacceptable and not healthy.  I can’t even begin to tell you the invaluable tangibles and intangibles I gained these past two days by befriending my colleagues. 

Wow, what a powerful reminder that I have groups of people in my life that are important to me and I should always make an effort to keep in touch with all of them on a consistent basis.  So as my title suggests, check your friends.

Being the natural caretakers that we are, women often put themselves and their needs last.  But guess what?  In the long run, that really doesn’t help anyone.  You are no good to anyone if you don’t take care of your health, both your physical and mental well-being. 

It makes common sense that part of a healthy mental attitude is high self- esteem, but did you know that tapping into your creativity and launching a business or project is a critical element to high self-esteem?    

Many women find themselves happiest when they are moving forward, when they are creating something.  Without an outlet for creativity, a woman can be frustrated or even sad and/or depressed. As a fundamental part of the feminine spectrum, “launching” – getting anything off the ground—is a release of creativity that is essential to the female psyche. Launching not only makes a woman feel good, often it provides them the freedom and flexibility that they desire in their lives.

And guess what ladies?  In order to launch, we sometimes have to put ourselves first.  So go back, revisit your New Year’s resolutions and make sure that you include releasing the innate creativity that is in you. 

Although launching can be exhilarating for some, for many of us, launching a business idea or a change in lifestyle can be scary.  However, if you surround yourself with like-minded women, other women who are launching, the process can be fun and mind-expanding all at the same time.  There are a handful of women organizations that you can join, but I personally recommend Ladies Who Launch.  Yes, I am a Leader for the organization, but what I like most about Ladies Who Launch is that we all treat each other the same, whether or not we are just starting out or we’ve been a success for years.  It’s because one of the areas that the organization focuses on is tapping into your own creativity to get the most out of your efforts.  But left on our own, this is very hard to do. 

Unfortunately, our action-oriented society can stifle one’s creativity. Thus, it is critical for women to do something for themselves even if it means removing themselves from the computer, tearing up ‘to-do’ lists and detaching from other action-focus parts of their lives. Although this may sound self-indulgent, successful launchers agree that taking time for self is essential for a woman’s well-being.   

If you are a woman who is passionate about an idea or project, then go ahead and launch it. Act on that business idea, expand your business, take that photography class. It is good for you, your self-esteem and your health and happiness.  But remember, this means that once in awhile, you will have to put yourself first. 

Last night at my Ladies Who Launch workshop, unsolicited, more than half the group brought quotes to share that inspired them.  Ironically enough, so did I.  Not sure what was in the air but we all got the same message.   

So of course I have this need to share with you quotes of all sorts, quotes that are meant to inspire the female entrepreneur (and possibly the male counterpart).  Many of these quotes speak to the feelings that are intrinsic to all of us, other quotes are simply meant to inspire us, and others are meant to help justify our actions.  You can be the judge whether or not you think the latter applies to you.     

I hope you enjoy these as much as I do. Take time to ponder and apply where appropriate.

‘Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes’ - Oscar Wilde           ‘Do one thing every day that scares you’ - Eleanor Roosevelt          ‘Just don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do.  Where there is love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong’ - Ella Fitzgerald         ‘Adventure is worthwhile in itself’ - Amelia Earhart      ‘Attempt the impossible in order to improve your work’ - Bette Davis    ‘The shell must break before the bird can fly’ - tennyson    ‘There is no set path.  Just follow your heart’  - unknown    ‘Leap and the net will appear’ - zen saying    ‘Go confidently in the direction of your dreams!  Live the life you’ve imagined’ - Thoreau     ‘Never, never never give up’ - attributed to Winston Churchill

I am paralyzed by clutter and I don’t know what to do.  Wherever I turn, there is stuff.  I am surrounded by physical mail, email to answer, phone messages to return, gifts to return, receipts to file, photos to download….You get the picture.

And the crazy thing is…I don’t know how it got this way.  I’ve always thought of myself as clean and organized and not a pack rat.  In fact, pack rats drive me crazy .  (As a side note, unfortunately I am discovering that I gave birth to two.)

I need to get a handle on this clutter situation because my goals for 2009 not only include organizing my house but it includes making sure I don’t get into this sorry state again.  So instead of taking on the daunting task of THE BIG PURGE, I’ve been analyzing the situation so that I don’t repeat history (and I swear that I am not procrastinating). 

So here are my thoughts.  Like many women, I’ve taken on too many projects and although my intentions are good, there truly is not enough time in the day to accomplish what I want to get done……That reasoning worked well in 2007 and half of 2008, but I think it has worn out its usefulness.  So let me dig a little deeper into this logic because I think the basic reasoning behind it is a good one. 

Yes, it is true.  I do take on too many projects.  But do I take on more than the average woman?  If you ask my friends, they would probably say ‘yes’.  So why do I take on so many projects?  I think because I have so many ideas and I want to implement them all.  I also have family and friends that I like to help.  Wow…this is sounding good, but let’s dig a little deeper.

If you look at the projects that I take on, they are all in different states of completion and they are not filed away.  If I file something away, I tend to forget about it so the alternative is to keep everything open on my desk and that is what I do.  I also have the tendency to not touch something if I don’t have time to give it my all and do the best that I can do.  Aaaaahhhhhh, so maybe it’s because I am a perfectionist that my house is cluttered.  If I don’t have time to read through the mail, I will just do it later.  If I don’t have time to look at the pictures that I downloaded, then I will just do it later, if I don’t have the time, blah, blah, blah.  

Wow, how ironic that a perfectionist has a very cluttered house.  No wonder I don’t sleep much.  This is all making sense to me and to think that I had another theory that I have ADD and that’s why my house is in a state of disarray.  I think I am loving this self-help analysis.  Now onto The BIG PURGE.

As with the power match between love and hate, I believe that there is also a power match between passion and fear in each and every one of us.

Think about it.  When we fall in love with someone, it can be scary.  And why?  Because there is a part of us that is afraid of losing them or afraid that they won’t love us back.

And I believe that the same tug-of-war between passion and fear occurs inside many of us who have an entrepreneurial spirit.  And it is the fear that gets in the way and stops one from actually launching and maximizing their efforts.  So in other words, it is fear that stops many from pursuing their dreams and becoming an entrepreneur.   

I am stating this based on two experiences, with the first coming from my observations of being a Ladies Who Launch leader.  Ladies Who Launch is an in-person and on-line community of women who support each other in their pursuit of following their passion and launching their projects, most of them being businesses or business ideas.  And what I am finding is that most of us women truly want to launch and release our creative energy, but when it is time to really kick-in, we are afraid and sometimes choose not to move forward.  Sometimes we make excuses, other times we somehow sabotage ourselves, but regardless, these are all acts stemming from fear.    

Now don’t get me wrong.  There are many Ladies Who Launch members who move forward with their dreams and I am so fortunate to be part of this group.  I get to see women grow and feel fulfilled.  But there are times when I see a woman stop gaining traction because of fear, whether they recognize it as such or not.  And I often ask myself, ‘Why is that?’.

So here enters my second experience and why I feel that it is fear that stops many women from pursuing their dreams and following their entrepreneurial spirit.  When I was launching Bella Strada Studios, nothing could get in my way.  I overcame hurdles and kept pursuing my plan, but when I was very close to launching, I literally was frozen and made up every excuse in the book not to go live with the ecommerce site.  For about a week or two, I really believed my excuses and then one night I woke up and said, ‘your’re afraid, that’s why you haven’t moved forward.”  Now once I admitted this, I still did not advance.  I needed help, I needed encouragement…..I was still afraid.  So I literally confided in some of my mentors and told them about my fear.  And as nicely as they could, they basically kicked me in the pants and told me to march!  And I am so ever grateful to them for doing that.

So from both observation and personal experience, that is why I feel that it is fear that stops many women from pursing thier passion and following their entrepreneurial dream.

Now that I think I have it all figured out, I can’t help but wonder why this struggle exists, and does it exist in both women and men?  I do not know the answer but what I do know is that as a woman, reach out and talk about your fears because there are many behind you that will give you the boost that you need.

‘You be me for a while and I’ll be you’ - a line from a favorite band of mine The Replacements.  

I could not help but sing this song the other day when I found myself in an unpleasant situation.

Someone who I knew for a small amount of time was throwing someone else ‘under the bus’ unjustly.  And while it was happening, I could not help but think that this was all coming from the duress and stress that this person was feeling due to the surrounding circumstances.

Now let me explain that the surrounding circumstances were also being experienced by ‘the victim’.  I was in such disbelief and shock, and became very disturbed by the whole situation.    

Not being one to just sit back and let it go, I decided to NOT approach the aggressor because I felt that it would do no good.  She was in such a state of stress and not thinking clearly that I don’t think she would have heard a word I had to say and it would have created great animosity between us.  So the only choice I had was to address the victim.  And this was awkward in of itself because I had to totally play the neutral card and be supportive to both parties, even though I was on the victim’s side the whole time.  

So what’s a girl to do?  Well, kudos to me for controlling my emotions and using the conversation to educate the victim on how to handle such situations moving forward.  But you know what?  Deep down inside, I feel like garbage, feeling that I did not stand up for someone and that I could have done more.  I am still very much bothered by the situation and feel icky inside. 

Perhaps when the situation dies down, I can speak to the aggressor and tell her to step in the other person’s shoes for a minute.  Perhaps that is something that we should all practice more often.

My husband and I were talking the other day and ended up in a very interesting conversation, about something that I’ve never thought about before.  Now you have to understand that we’ve been together for over 20 years, meeting in college when I was just 18 years old and since then, been married, had children, and gone through numerous career changes and entrepreneurial experiences.

So driving home we somehow got into a conversation regarding life and how different people can be from when they are younger and I made the comment about how one ‘changes’.  And my husband responded, “yes, it’s amazing how one can grow in life”.  And of course, being the anal retentive person that I am, I picked up on the difference and asked, “do people grow in life or change in life?”

It was very late at night when we stumbled upon this very curious inquiry so we never got to expand our thoughts, and then the next day we were busy with life.  So in other words, we will probably never have the time until 20 years from now to finish the conversation.    Thus, I’ve decided to blog about it and get your perspective on things.  But let me first tell you my thoughts on the topic….

As I ponder this question, I can’t help but think that it is growth that makes us act differently than we have before.  It is growth that makes us achieve and pursue our passions.  It is growth that makes us fulfill our mission in life and discover all that we can be.

And what does one need to grow - I am thinking that it is confidence.  If we truly are who we are from the  get go, then it is up to us to believe in ourselves.  It is also up to us to surround ourselves with people who give us confidence.  Without confidence, we will change in life but these changes will be shaped by others.  And is this what you really want?  I don’t think so.  So do yourself a favor and grow  - be confident and believe in your dreams and capabilities.

Over this past holiday weekend, I had many opportunities to go out after hours (i.e., after my kids’ bedtime) but I declined each offer.  And by Saturday I could not help but think, “Wow, am I boring!”. 

Now the reasons for the polite refusals all made sense at the time…I have to get up with the kids, I hate feeling groggy in the morning, I like to be productive during the day, I blah blah blah.  But when I saw those who burned the midnight oil the next morning up and ready to start their day, I could not help but be amazed.  Are they 1) all just superhuman or 2) do they not exert any physical or mental energy during the day?  (That theory is what I call the superior theory.)

As I pondered this question, I thought about many of the people I have crossed paths with, and theory #2 was immediately dismissed.  Some of the smartest people I know need very little sleep and they exert a lot of energy, both day and night.   

Okay, so onto proving or disproving theory #1.  Are those who never rest superhuman?  No, I don’t think so.  We all have our flaws.  Some just hide it better than others.

So as nice as my Thanksgiving break was, there was a bit of a let down when I realized that I am boring.  And since I’ve had many of the same habits and preferences for decades, I can’t even blame my boring behavior on the kids. 

I think I’ll just just drink a pot of coffee and stay up all night to break things up a bit.  Anyone interested in joining me?